Regina Abayev, JD, LMFT·Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist #148775·Hermosa Beach, California
Managing the Immediate Aftermath of Betrayal
The period immediately following the discovery of betrayal can be overwhelming. Both partners may be experiencing intense emotions, difficult conversations, and uncertainty about what happens next. Decisions made during this period can have lasting consequences for the relationship.
I help clients navigate this initial crisis with greater structure and clarity. We address immediate concerns, including ongoing contact with third parties, appropriate boundaries, how to communicate with their partner, and how to manage difficult emotions without becoming defensive or withdrawing.
Disclosure often requires careful attention. I help clients understand what their partner needs to know, prepare to provide a complete and accurate account of what happened, and recognize why withholding information or allowing new details to emerge over time can cause further harm. Depending on the circumstances, I may recommend a structured disclosure process that allows both partners to address difficult information with appropriate support and containment.
We also work on slowing down reactive decisions and managing the uncertainty that often follows discovery. The immediate priority is to reduce further harm, establish greater stability, and create conditions in which both partners can begin making informed decisions about their relationship.
Rebuilding Trust Through Consistent Behavior
Following betrayal, a commitment to honesty may be sincere, but your partner may have little confidence in that commitment. If there has been repeated deception, they may understandably question whether they can rely on what you say.
I help clients understand what rebuilding trust requires in practice. This includes recognizing the difference between making promises and demonstrating change through consistent behavior. We examine how you respond when being honest is uncomfortable, how you handle situations that previously involved secrecy, and whether your actions support the commitments you’ve made.
Repair also requires patience. Your partner may need time to evaluate whether changes are sustained, and their willingness to trust you may develop more slowly than you would like. We work on tolerating that uncertainty without pressuring your partner to forgive, move forward, or provide reassurance before they are ready.
Boundaries, Conflict, and Difficult Conversations
For some people, betrayal is connected to longstanding difficulties with boundaries and direct communication. They may have trouble disappointing others, ending relationships that have become inappropriate, or expressing dissatisfaction in their primary relationship.
I help clients recognize how these patterns influence their decisions and relationships. We work on communicating more directly, establishing boundaries that reflect their commitments, and developing the ability to tolerate conflict without retreating into avoidance or secrecy.
This can involve examining why someone maintains a connection they know is harmful, what makes it difficult to say no, or why they agree to something they do not actually want. The goal is to become more deliberate in how they manage relationships and more willing to take responsibility for their own needs and choices.
Understanding What Needs to Change
Betrayal sometimes exposes patterns that extend well beyond the relationship in crisis. Someone may recognize a tendency to seek external validation, compartmentalize different aspects of their life, avoid difficult emotions, or act impulsively when feeling dissatisfied.
I help clients identify which of these patterns are relevant to their experience and how they operate in everyday life. We pay attention to the situations that activate familiar responses and develop ways to recognize and interrupt those responses before they lead to further harm.
This work may also involve examining how someone understands intimacy, commitment, and personal freedom. The objective is to develop a more coherent sense of self and the ability to make choices that reflect one’s values, even in situations involving competing desires or uncomfortable consequences.
"Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced."
James BaldwinSessions take place in a private office in Hermosa Beach, with a view of the Pacific.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can individual therapy help someone who has cheated on their partner?
Yes. Individual therapy can help someone who has been unfaithful take responsibility for their behavior, understand the factors that contributed to it, and develop more constructive ways of managing their relationships.
I work with clients on honesty, emotional regulation, boundaries, and recognizing patterns that contributed to the betrayal. If they hope to reconcile, we also address how to participate in the repair process without placing responsibility for their behavior on their partner.
Should the person who cheated go to individual therapy or couples therapy?
Both can be useful, although they serve different purposes. Individual therapy allows the person who betrayed their partner to examine their own behavior, including patterns they may need to address independently of the relationship.
Couples therapy focuses on the relationship itself, including the impact of betrayal, communication, rebuilding trust, and decisions about the future. In some circumstances, individual and couples therapy can proceed concurrently, with appropriate coordination and boundaries between the two.
Can therapy help someone stop cheating or lying?
Therapy can help people identify the patterns that contribute to infidelity and dishonesty and develop different ways of responding. This may involve addressing conflict avoidance, difficulty establishing boundaries, external validation, or the tendency to conceal information to avoid consequences.
Change requires a willingness to examine one’s behavior and take responsibility for acting differently. Therapy can support that process, although attending sessions alone does not establish that someone has changed.
How can I rebuild trust after cheating on my partner?
Rebuilding trust generally requires honesty, consistent behavior, and a willingness to understand the impact of the betrayal. Your partner may need clarification about what happened, reassurance through your actions, and time to determine whether they feel comfortable becoming vulnerable again.
I help clients understand what they can do to support repair while recognizing that their partner ultimately decides whether and how trust can be restored.
Should I tell my partner everything about the affair?
Disclosure is an important and often complicated part of betrayal recovery. Concealing significant information or allowing new revelations to emerge over time can cause additional harm and undermine attempts to rebuild trust.
I help clients prepare to provide an accurate account of what happened and consider how to approach disclosure responsibly. In some situations, a structured disclosure process within couples therapy or a betrayal intensive can provide greater support for both partners. The goal is honesty without unnecessary or gratuitously graphic detail.
Why do I keep lying to my partner even though I want to repair our relationship?
Continued dishonesty can reflect several different processes, including fear of consequences, shame, avoidance of conflict, or an ongoing unwillingness to relinquish something outside the relationship.
I help clients examine what happens in the moments they choose to withhold or misrepresent information. Understanding those decisions is important because continued deception can undermine repair, regardless of someone’s stated intention to reconcile.
How do I deal with the shame and guilt of cheating?
Guilt may help you recognize that your behavior violated your values or harmed someone you care about. Shame can become more difficult when it leads you to withdraw, become defensive, or focus primarily on your own distress.
In therapy, we work on understanding these reactions and developing the ability to acknowledge your behavior without becoming overwhelmed by it. This allows greater attention to accountability and the changes you want to make.
Can a relationship recover from repeated infidelity or deception?
Some relationships recover following repeated betrayal, although the process may be more complicated when trust has been undermined over time.
Meaningful repair requires addressing the ongoing patterns that contributed to the deception, establishing appropriate boundaries, and demonstrating sustained changes in behavior. The injured partner also needs the freedom to determine whether reconciliation is something they want.
Can I start therapy if I’m unsure whether I want to stay in my relationship?
Yes. You can begin individual therapy without having decided whether to reconcile or separate.
We can examine your feelings about the relationship, the conflicts you may have avoided, and what you want for your future. I help clients approach these decisions with greater honesty and consideration for the people affected by them.
Do you offer therapy for infidelity and betrayal in Los Angeles?
Yes. I provide individual therapy for people who have engaged in infidelity, concealed relationships, or other forms of relational betrayal. I see clients in person in Hermosa Beach, serving the South Bay and greater Los Angeles area, and offer online therapy throughout California.
I also provide couples therapy and structured betrayal-repair intensives when appropriate.
Individual Therapy in Hermosa Beach
and Across California
I see clients in person in Hermosa Beach, serving the South Bay and greater Los Angeles area, and offer online therapy throughout California.
Let’s Begin Regina Abayev, JD, LMFT · Hermosa Beach, CA · info@reginaabayev.com