Conflict & Communication
Why You Keep
Having the
Same Fight
Fighting with the person you love is exhausting, particularly when the arguments keep returning without anything getting resolved. The subject may change, but the interaction becomes familiar. One of you raises a concern, the other becomes defensive or withdraws, the first pushes harder, and eventually both of you leave the conversation feeling misunderstood and further apart.
As conflict becomes more entrenched, smaller disagreements can escalate quickly. A conversation about plans for the weekend can pull in grievances from years ago. Tone becomes as important as what is being said. You anticipate criticism before your partner has finished speaking and prepare your defense rather than listening. Eventually, you may approach difficult conversations already expecting them to go badly.
Couples can remain in these cycles for years while continuing to love each other and wanting the relationship to work. Changing them requires understanding what happens between you once conflict begins and learning how to respond differently while you are still in the interaction.
"Conflict is the beginning of consciousness. It is the moment where we stop projecting who we want our partner to be and start seeing who they actually are."
— Harville Hendrix
Underneath every disagreement is a need waiting to be heard. The work is learning to listen for it.
How Conflict Escalates
People protect themselves differently during conflict. One partner may become more critical or forceful in an effort to be heard while the other becomes quieter, defensive, or increasingly determined to end the conversation. Giving in can stop an argument without resolving it, leaving resentment to build until the subject returns.
As the conflict intensifies, the original issue can disappear entirely. Criticism shifts from a complaint about what happened to a judgment about the other person’s character. Previous grievances enter the discussion. One partner may become so overwhelmed that continuing the conversation productively is no longer possible.
Each response affects what happens next. Withdrawal can intensify pursuit. Criticism can produce defensiveness. Feeling dismissed can make someone more forceful, which can make the other person retreat further. Both partners become increasingly focused on protecting themselves and less able to understand what the other is trying to communicate.
This is why communication advice can be difficult to use in the middle of a fight. Knowing that you should listen carefully or speak calmly does not mean you can do it once the interaction has escalated.
When Conflict Has Become Destructive
Some couples come to therapy after conflict has become much more severe. Arguments escalate rapidly, contempt has entered the relationship, or one or both partners have stopped expecting to be treated respectfully during disagreements.
Contempt may appear through mockery, eye-rolling, hostility, or speaking to a partner with open disdain. Stonewalling can leave one person feeling abandoned while the other feels overwhelmed and desperate to get away from the interaction. Years of unresolved grievances can make each new disagreement feel like evidence for everything that has gone wrong before.
At this point, reducing the intensity of the conflict has to come first. It is difficult to resolve substantive disagreements while both people are reacting to the accumulated history of the relationship.
You can disagree strongly with your partner and still treat each other with respect. Restoring that capacity is an important part of the work.
How I Work With Conflict
I am active in sessions with couples. I do not simply listen to you describe the argument you had during the week and send you home with suggestions for the next one.
When the dynamic appears in the room, we work with it there. I slow the interaction down, interrupt when necessary, and help each of you see what happened between the moment a concern was raised and the moment the conversation deteriorated. We pay attention to what you intended to communicate, what your partner heard, and how each response affected the next one.
We also work on recognizing when an interaction has become too reactive to continue productively, taking responsibility without immediately defending yourself, raising difficult subjects more directly, and returning to conversations after things have gone badly.
My background before becoming a therapist included work as a structured finance lawyer and training in mediation, where difficult conversations required enough structure for people who strongly disagreed to remain engaged. My clinical training includes the Gottman Method and Relational Life Therapy, both of which inform the direct and active way I work with couples.
The work becomes increasingly useful when you can recognize the dynamic while it is happening rather than only understand it afterward.
Repairing the Relationship
Stopping destructive conflict creates room to address what has accumulated underneath it.
Repair may involve resolving longstanding resentment, rebuilding trust in one another’s intentions, or learning that a difficult conversation can end without either person feeling attacked or abandoned. Over time, the relationship can become a place where disagreement is tolerable because neither person expects conflict to threaten the connection itself.
The aim is not a relationship without conflict. Two people with separate needs, preferences, histories, and priorities will disagree. The work is developing a relationship in which those disagreements can be addressed without repeatedly damaging the relationship in the process.
FAQ
Questions About Recurring Conflict
Why do couples keep having the same argument?
Recurring arguments often follow a fixed sequence. One partner raises a concern, the other defends or withdraws, the first presses harder, and the argument ends without either concern being addressed. The same sequence then repeats with the next topic, whether it is chores, money, or the calendar.
How does couples therapy help with communication?
Therapy slows the reactive cycle down so each partner can see their own triggers and what they bring to the pattern. From there, we practice raising a concern without escalating, listening without defending, and repairing after an argument.
What is high-conflict couples therapy?
High-conflict couples therapy is for relationships where escalation and contempt have become the way two people try to connect and communicate. The work focuses on understanding that pattern and interrupting it.
Can high-conflict therapy help couples who are separating?
Yes. High-conflict patterns do not end when a relationship ends. I work with these dynamics whether the goal is rebuilding the relationship or separating with less damage.
Further reading
How recurring conflict, the demand-withdraw pattern, resentment, and contempt change a relationship, and what the research shows about repair.
Communication skills do not fix a relationship where nobody states a want directly.
Saying sorry ends the argument.
Couples Therapy for Conflict & Communication in Hermosa Beach
I work with couples in person in Hermosa Beach and throughout California by telehealth. Couples experiencing acute or rapidly escalating conflict may also benefit from a longer couples intensive, which gives us more time to understand and interrupt the dynamic than a standard weekly session allows.
If you are ready to do the work, let’s begin.