Discernment Counseling
When You Are Uncertain About
the Future of Your Marriage
One of the most difficult places a couple can find themselves is when one partner is questioning whether to stay in the marriage and the other desperately wants to preserve it. Conversations about the future become painful, and attempts to resolve the uncertainty can leave both people feeling increasingly misunderstood.
The partner considering leaving may have spent months or years thinking about the relationship and may feel exhausted by the prospect of trying again. The partner who wants to stay may be frightened, angry, or struggling to understand how the marriage reached this point. Both are dealing with uncertainty, although their experiences of it can be very different.
Discernment counseling provides a structured process for couples facing this decision. It allows each person to examine their position, understand what has contributed to the difficulties in the relationship, and consider the consequences of the available choices.
The process is brief and focused, generally involving one to five sessions. Its purpose is to help both partners reach greater clarity and confidence about the direction of their marriage.
A Different
Starting Point
Traditional couples therapy generally begins with two people who have agreed to work on their relationship. Discernment counseling begins with uncertainty about whether that commitment exists.
One partner may be leaning toward separation while the other remains committed to repairing the marriage. The partner considering leaving may have serious doubts about whether meaningful change is possible, particularly after years of conflict, disappointment, or previous attempts at therapy.
These differences deserve careful attention. Pressuring an uncertain partner to recommit can increase resistance, while leaving the partner who wants to stay without a meaningful role in the process can deepen their sense of helplessness.
I work with each partner individually within a shared discernment process, allowing both people to speak candidly about their experiences and examine their own contribution to the relationship. Joint portions of the sessions help the couple understand where the process stands and what each person is prepared to consider.
Understanding
Ambivalence
Uncertainty about a marriage can be deeply uncomfortable, particularly when the consequences of either decision extend into parenting, finances, family relationships, and the lives the partners have built together.
A person may feel affection and loyalty toward a spouse while questioning whether they want to remain married. They may fear regretting a separation while also fearing that staying will mean accepting a relationship that has been painful for years.
For the partner who wants to preserve the marriage, the uncertainty can be equally consuming. They may feel an urgent need to demonstrate that things can change, seek reassurance, or revisit the same conversations hoping for a different answer.
Discernment counseling gives these experiences room to be examined. We look at what each person wants, what they fear, and how their understanding of the relationship has developed. That includes examining the assumptions each partner has made about the other and considering what they may have difficulty acknowledging about themselves.
"I came in angry and expecting to be chastised. I was so used to my partner and therapists trying to pull me back in. This was the first time I felt I could be honest about my ambivalence without being judged."
Discernment Counseling Client
Examining How the Relationship
Reached This Point
A central part of discernment counseling involves understanding each person's contribution to the difficulties in the marriage.
Relationships develop over time through repeated interactions, individual choices, unmet expectations, and responses to disappointment. Each partner has their own account of what happened, and those accounts may differ considerably.
I help each person look closely at their behavior within the relationship, including the ways they have responded to conflict, expressed dissatisfaction, withdrawn, or attempted to obtain what they needed. We also examine how experiences outside the marriage, including family history and individual vulnerabilities, may have influenced those responses.
This work requires honesty and a willingness to consider uncomfortable information. Responsibility is examined with attention to the nature and consequences of each person's behavior.
Understanding these dynamics helps both partners consider what would need to change if they chose to work on the marriage. It also provides insight that remains valuable if the relationship ends.
The Discernment
Counseling Process
Discernment counseling follows a structured model developed by Dr. William Doherty and his colleagues, which I adapt to go deeper into the fears, desires, and individual dynamics driving the uncertainty. The process generally consists of one to five sessions, with each meeting including time together as a couple and individual conversations with each partner.
We begin by understanding the immediate circumstances, how long the uncertainty has been developing, and where each partner currently stands. I assess whether discernment counseling is appropriate, including whether there are concerns about safety, coercion, or circumstances that would require a different approach.
Each partner has an opportunity to speak privately about the marriage and the future they are considering.
With the partner leaning out, I explore the development of their doubts, the experiences that have shaped their thinking, and what would influence their willingness to consider reconciliation.
With the partner leaning in, we examine the urgency to preserve the marriage, their understanding of their partner's dissatisfaction, and the changes they may need to make regardless of the eventual decision.
Both partners are encouraged to look beyond their immediate reactions and consider their own behavior with greater honesty.
The couple comes together to discuss where they stand and what each person has learned about their own position. The structure protects space for individual reflection while allowing both partners to participate in understanding the available paths.
At the end of each session, we consider whether another discernment session would be useful and whether the couple is ready to choose a direction.
Three Possible
Paths
Discernment counseling helps couples consider three established paths forward.
The couple may decide to maintain the current relationship without beginning a formal course of couples therapy or moving toward separation.
This can reflect a need for additional time, practical considerations, or continued uncertainty. We examine what choosing this path means for each partner and the implications of postponing a more definitive decision.
One or both partners may conclude that ending the marriage is the appropriate direction.
Discernment counseling provides an opportunity to reach that conclusion thoughtfully, with greater understanding of the relationship and each person's role in its difficulties. Where children are involved, we also consider the importance of protecting their relationships with both parents and approaching the transition responsibly.
Both partners may choose to make a serious effort to restore the marriage through a defined course of couples therapy.
In the discernment counseling model, this involves a commitment to approximately six months of couples therapy, with divorce or separation taken off the table during that period. Both partners agree to examine their own contributions to the relationship and undertake the changes necessary to give reconciliation a meaningful opportunity.
Discernment counseling helps the couple understand what they are agreeing to before beginning that work.
The Children
and the Decision
For couples with children, uncertainty about the marriage often carries additional emotional and practical weight.
Parents may worry about the effect of separation on their children, the consequences of changes in living arrangements, or how they would manage parenting responsibilities across two households. They may also have concerns about the emotional environment in a marriage characterized by prolonged conflict or disconnection.
These considerations deserve thorough discussion. We examine the children's circumstances, the quality of the parental relationship, and the responsibilities that will continue regardless of the decision about the marriage.
The interests of the children are an important part of the process, alongside each parent's honest assessment of the relationship.
My Approach
I take an active, thoughtful approach to discernment counseling. I ask direct questions, offer observations, and help each person examine assumptions that may have become difficult to question.
My clinical work draws on psychodynamic and relational approaches, attachment theory, and advanced training in couples therapy. Before becoming a therapist, I spent 19 years in law, finance, technology, and leadership, experience that informs my understanding of the professional, financial, and family considerations that can complicate decisions about a marriage.
I am attentive to the emotional dimensions of these decisions as well as their practical consequences. I also recognize that two people may reach different conclusions about a relationship despite having considered it carefully and in good faith.
My responsibility is to provide a process in which both partners can examine their positions seriously and make an informed decision about the future.
FAQ
Questions About Discernment Counseling
How is discernment counseling different from couples therapy?
Couples therapy generally involves partners who have agreed to work on improving their relationship. Discernment counseling is designed for couples who are uncertain about making that commitment, particularly when one partner is leaning toward leaving and the other wants to preserve the marriage.
The sessions focus on understanding the relationship and deciding whether to undertake reconciliation. Communication skills and ongoing relationship repair become the focus if both partners subsequently commit to couples therapy.
How many sessions does discernment counseling take?
Discernment counseling generally involves one to five sessions. The process is intentionally brief, with each session providing an opportunity to evaluate whether further discernment would be helpful.
Do both partners need to participate?
Yes. Discernment counseling is designed as a process involving both partners, even when they have very different levels of commitment to the relationship.
What if my partner has already decided to divorce?
If a partner has made a final decision to end the marriage and has no interest in reconsidering, discernment counseling may have limited usefulness. The initial consultation helps determine whether sufficient uncertainty remains for the process to be appropriate.
What happens if we decide to work on our marriage?
Both partners commit to approximately six months of couples therapy and agree to take divorce or separation off the table during that period. The work focuses on understanding and changing the dynamics that contributed to the marital difficulties.
Further reading
When one partner is leaning out and the other wants to try, couples therapy is the wrong tool.
Resistance to couples therapy is usually not indifference.
Discernment Counseling in Hermosa Beach
and Throughout California
I offer discernment counseling in person in Hermosa Beach, serving couples from Manhattan Beach, Redondo Beach, Palos Verdes, and the greater South Bay. Virtual sessions are available throughout California.
If you and your partner are uncertain about the future of your marriage, we can begin with a consultation to determine whether discernment counseling is appropriate for your circumstances.