Premarital Counseling in Hermosa Beach
The conversations you have before marriage can shape how you handle the years that follow
Getting married means combining two lives, and that requires considerably more than agreeing on a wedding date and choosing where to live. You are bringing together two histories, two families, two sets of expectations, and two ways of understanding what partnership means. Some of those differences will be obvious. Others will not become clear until you are making decisions together.
Premarital counseling gives you somewhere to talk about those things before they become sources of resentment or recurring conflict.
How you talk matters
as much as what you talk about
We talk about money and family, sex and intimacy, children, careers, household responsibilities, independence, and the expectations each of you has about marriage. Just as important, we pay attention to how you have those conversations. What happens when you disagree? What happens when one of you feels criticized? Can you tell the other person what you need without turning it into an accusation? Can you hear something you do not agree with and remain interested in understanding it?
Couples rarely have trouble talking when they agree. The harder conversations are the ones that require you to stay connected while seeing something differently.
You may have very different ideas about money, for example, without either of you being unreasonable. One person may think of money primarily as security while the other associates it with freedom. One may want to save aggressively while the other believes money is meant to be enjoyed. You may have grown up in families with completely different attitudes toward spending, debt, financial support, or responsibility.
The same thing happens with sex, family, children, careers, and household responsibilities. There is rarely one correct answer that resolves the disagreement. The question is whether you can understand the other person's position, explain your own, and find a way to make decisions together.
Premarital counseling is an opportunity to practice that while the relationship is still relatively new and before the pressures of marriage have accumulated around the conversation.
What we
talk about
The specific issues depend on the couple. I do not use a checklist simply to make sure every possible topic has been covered. I want to understand what the two of you are bringing into the marriage and where your expectations, experiences, or values may differ.
And then there is conflict, which runs through all of it.
How do the two of you
handle disagreement?
This is one of the most important questions I ask couples preparing for marriage. You will disagree. The more important question is what happens when you do.
Some people want to resolve conflict immediately. Others need time before they can think clearly. Some become more forceful when they feel unheard. Others withdraw. Some people try to solve the problem while their partner is still trying to explain why the problem hurts.
None of these responses tells me that something is wrong with either person. They tell me something about how the two of you have learned to deal with difficult moments, and those differences become important when you are trying to build a life together.
We work with those differences directly. You learn how to recognize what is happening while it is happening, communicate what you need without escalating the conversation, listen without immediately defending yourself, and return to a hard subject when the first conversation did not go well.
What premarital counseling
looks like
The work is active and conversational. I want to hear from both of you, understand how you experience the relationship, and pay attention to what happens between you when something becomes hard to discuss.
Some couples come in with very little conflict and want to be thoughtful about preparing for marriage. Others already know there are subjects they have been avoiding or conversations that never seem to go anywhere. We start with what is relevant to you rather than assuming that every couple needs the same kind of work.
You should leave with a better understanding of how your partner thinks and feels, greater clarity about where your expectations differ, and more confidence in your ability to have hard conversations when they come.
FAQ
Questions About Premarital Counseling
What does premarital counseling cover?
Premarital counseling covers money, family, sex and intimacy, children and parenting, careers and ambition, household responsibilities, and how the two of you handle disagreement. The specific issues depend on what each partner is bringing into the marriage.
How many sessions does premarital counseling take?
Premarital counseling generally takes 6 to 12 sessions, depending on what you want to address and how deeply you want to explore it. Extended sessions are also available.
Where is premarital counseling available?
In person at my office in Hermosa Beach, which serves Manhattan Beach, Redondo Beach, Palos Verdes, and the South Bay, and by secure telehealth anywhere in California.
Build the marriage
you want
A wedding gives you a date to work toward. Marriage gives you a life to figure out together.
The most useful preparation is the ability to talk honestly when something changes, when you disagree, when one of you is hurt, or when the life you imagined together starts looking different than you expected. That is what I want couples to take from premarital counseling: a deeper understanding of each other and a way of approaching the conversations that marriage will require.
I work with engaged couples in Hermosa Beach, Manhattan Beach, Redondo Beach, Palos Verdes, the South Bay, and throughout California through secure telehealth. Extended sessions are also available for couples who want to devote more concentrated time to preparing for marriage.
If you are preparing for marriage and want to have these conversations before you need to have them under pressure, let's begin.