Recommended Books

Explores the effects of growing up with parents who struggled with emotional responsiveness. Useful for understanding longstanding patterns involving guilt, accommodation, and difficulties recognizing one's own needs.

A research-informed examination of self-judgment and the difficulty of responding to personal shortcomings with understanding. Especially relevant to perfectionism and achievement-based self-worth.

Practical guidance for identifying personal limits, communicating them clearly, and managing the discomfort that can accompany changes in established relationships.

A therapist's account of her own therapy and her clients'. A good read for anyone unsure what therapy is like.

Why it's hard to revise views we've held for a long time, and how to get better at it. Useful for people whose certainty has served them well at work and less well at home.

A practical introduction to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, particularly useful for anxiety, rumination, avoidance, and the effort to control unwanted thoughts and emotions.

Separates the stress itself from the situation causing it, and explains how to complete the stress response.

Still one of the best books on using anger to clarify what you want, instead of repeating the same fight.

Forty years of observational research turned into specific behaviors: how couples start hard conversations, repair after a fight, and protect friendship under stress.

The clearest account of attachment in adult relationships, and of why the same fight keeps repeating. It is the basis of Emotionally Focused Therapy.

Real examines the individual habits and relational dynamics that interfere with intimacy, with practical guidance on accountability, communication, and developing a more collaborative relationship.

A short, readable explanation of how partners regulate each other, with exercises couples can use at home.

An accessible introduction to anxious and avoidant patterns. It simplifies the research, so read it as a starting point.

Doherty, who developed discernment counseling, on how ordinary busyness and outside pressures erode a marriage, and how couples can protect it.

An exploration of the relationship between familiarity, security, individuality, and erotic desire in long-term partnerships.

The science of sexual response, written for women and useful for their partners. It replaces a lot of misinformation with a workable model.

Nagoski on sustaining a sex life over decades, built on research with couples who have done it.

A demanding book on differentiation: holding on to yourself while staying close to your partner, in and out of the bedroom.

How affairs develop from friendships and work relationships, and what rebuilding trust requires of both partners.

Written for both the hurt partner and the partner who had the affair, with a clear sequence for recovery.

A broader look at why people have affairs, including people in good relationships. Better read once the immediate crisis has settled.

On how depression in men is often hidden behind work, irritability or withdrawal, and how it affects the people closest to them.

Practical and blunt about what men, and women, can do to stop the same arguments from repeating.

An accessible discussion of how early adversity can influence emotional responses, relationships, and patterns of coping. Introduces a developmental perspective on trauma without requiring a clinical background.

A thoughtful examination of grief and the pressure to recover on someone else's timetable. Particularly useful for people who feel misunderstood or expected to move on before they are ready.

The standard guide to building two homes for children, with detailed advice on schedules, communication and boundaries.

Research on families after divorce, showing what helps children do well when their parents separate.

A researcher's account of why perfectionism has risen and what it costs, with useful distinctions between high standards and perfectionism.

On the beliefs about money people absorb from their families, and how those beliefs show up in spending, saving and conflict.

Short chapters on how personal history, temperament and fear shape the way people earn, spend and save. Useful for partners who handle money differently and want to understand why.

An argument for spending money on experiences while you can still enjoy them, instead of accumulating wealth you will never use. Useful for couples who disagree about saving for later versus living now.

Research on givers, takers and matchers at work, and why generous people end up at both the top and the bottom of their fields. Relevant to overfunctioning and difficulty saying no.

How people build skill and character over time, and the habits that count for more than early talent. A useful counterweight to perfectionism.